I was having a hard time, but it was nothing out of the ordinary.
However, other things outside of my daughter started affecting my anxiety levels.
My single mom appreciated me having a friend whose family welcomed me into their home after school and during the summers.
They were a good family who adopted and fostered children. They had a large family and they welcomed me into it with open arms.
My grandmother was very ill and had been hospitalized, information I didn’t learn until after my daughter was born because my mother didn’t want to upset me. The other thing that made me more anxious was my husband’s new job required him to work more hours than we had originally planned, leaving me to do more by myself.
We also didn’t have a lot of family and friends to help out on a regular basis.
A normal mother would never think something like that.
I thought that something was terribly wrong with me because only a terrible person who belonged behind bars would ever think of something that horrible.
I recently heard from a reader who asked why we don’t discuss the unwanted sexual thoughts that can sometimes be a part of intrusive thoughts. Before she was born, I had dutifully checked off each item that I would need for my new baby.When I was a teenager, my mother married someone that I didn’t get along with and I went to live with this family. I was never abused myself and the abuse was not happening while I lived there, but it had happened. I was so afraid that something like this could happen to her somehow. I was not at risk to be an abuser myself, but none of that mattered.Shortly after I moved in, one of the girls told me that her father had sexually abused her. Knowing what had happened and not being able to talk about it, and on some level accepting it by keeping the secret, created a lot of fear and anger in my heart, but I couldn’t deal with it then. All that mattered to me was that I had had these terrible, unthinkable thoughts and that was enough damnation in my mind.My pregnancy was a breeze, and I felt proud of delivering a healthy 8-pound, 13-ounce baby girl “J.”The first couple of months went as well as you could expect with a new infant.I was enjoying being a new mother and breastfeeding was going well, but J had a lot of gas and she wouldn’t nap due to acid reflux.I started to notice a difference about a month later, and it got me over the hump. Yoga and meditation practice have also been helpful in my recovery. I am still having productive therapy sessions and the intrusive thoughts are much less frequent and bothersome.